The Dating Distraction

Dating in your 30’s and up is like trying to shop for your wedding dress at the thrift store! You walk in and you have all these beautiful options from afar. You can see the dresses hanging there with the beads and rhinestones glistening in the light. As you approach, you begin to feel overwhelmed with excitement knowing that the time has come for your big day and you get to feel your best wearing this dress! Those feelings begin to fade as you see the tears in the garments, the beads falling from the dress and hanging by a thread, and the white color somewhat stained or tinged from age. You try your best to give the dresses a chance. You try them on. That one fits well in one area of your body but sags on the others. You love the color of one, all to find out the shape of it makes you feel like you are a beached whale! Frustration runs through your veins and you can feel the tears begin to well up behind your eyes. With your head down and your mind set on forgetting this whole process, you spot a dress at the bottom of the rack that had fallen off and been forgotten. You pull it out and you wonder where it had even come from. You try it on, it isn’t perfect, but in some way just like Cinderella, you can see how your Fairy Godmother can make it into that dress you have been dreaming of. The excitement, the trying, the frustration, the waiting is all worth it for the one made just for you!

This is exactly what I have felt like dating after my divorce. At first, I didn’t have the intention of actually going on a date but wanted a distraction from my ex and his new girlfriend. I found myself being consumed with what they were doing and hoping for something to change with them. I wanted so badly to be right about how bad of a decision my ex-husband was making. Well that didn’t happen and the last thing that I wanted in my new found singlehood was to be consumed by thoughts of two people who didn’t need to occupy my mind, especially since I wasn’t thinking anything happy or joyous towards them during this time. The devil is really good at devouring our minds with negative thoughts. Online dating or talking with men in order to make some kind of emotional connection with someone new was my answer. Looking back I don’t think this was the wisest move at the time but it happened and I learned some very good lessons about who I am. (I am pretty sure my family would agree with me on this one. Note to self…listen to your family during these emotional times in life.)

I had not dated since I was about 15 years old. I never really dated in the traditional sense because I met my ex-husband when we were teenagers and we just called each other boyfriend and girlfriend. We did a lot of things together at church and with our families. Eventually, when we could drive, we went on more dates but by then we were comfortable with each other and had fun on those dates. Now in my 30’s and after having 3 children, I was dating. I thought I was ready for what was to come but man, was I in for some eye opening situations.

I will say that with each date, the guys got better for me or I just got pickier. Nothing against any of these men that I dated but none of them were a good fit for me. I am sure they are a great fit for somebody out there, just not right for me. And ultimately not what God wanted for me and my children. Let me share a little about the men I met and the things I learned…from my one date wonders to my month long mistakes!

  • Mr. Mutual Friend- We realized very quickly that we had a mutual connection because he said I sounded a lot like his ex-wife. Come to find out that his ex-wife worked with me and we had the same career. Interestingly, both of their stories were not the same about what happened in their marriage. I also found out that not all Christian men are the same. This one and only date ended as a friendship which I was okay with.
  • Balancing Act- Not all dates are created equal and showing up in basketball shorts and an over sized t-shirt was him impressing me….I guess. I sat at a Starbucks and listened to his story. He was struggling to make ends meet and had children from two different mothers. His kids went back and forth between California and Arizona. He was very sweet and our friendship spread out over a month where it eventually ended because life was really difficult for him and he began to pull away. Blending two lives is not as easy as it seems.
  • Cheated Death- Looking for what God wanted from his life after a near death experience left him almost cripple, I almost fell for the “let me help you” cause in this relationship. I saw myself try to save him. He still has one of my Bible’s to this day. But his desire to be with his children in another city, proceeded his relationship with me. Hours of not hearing from him when we should have been going on a date left me wondering what I was doing. A connection with someone is not enough to build a lasting relationship. Addictions became evident. After 2 months, I said goodbye and prayed he would get clean and find a straight path. I couldn’t put that in my life and I couldn’t let my kids be part of that either.
  • Mission Minded- He was the church guy I thought would be a perfect fit for me and the kids. He had a similar story to my own and we could relate with how each other were feeling. It became obvious to me that he was still in love with his ex wife. Being with another woman was hard for him and after a couple weeks, he graciously said goodbye to me. It takes two people presently invested in a relationship for it to work.
  • Junior League- He was young and fun! Too much fun for me and I think he knew this too. He eventually disappeared. His story is one that still interests me and I wonder how he arrived to that space and time with me.
  • Christian Disappearing Act- He talked a good talk but some major red flags came up very quickly like his desire to bleach his sink all the time. I felt like in public he put on a very good show but behind closed doors he struggled with some things. One day he just stopped texting me. Ghosting happens a lot nowadays.
  • Edgy Guitarist- My long distance dance. He played guitar magnificently and it was mesmerizing. He was a Christian and he shared his story openly with me. He struggled with some very serious mental health issues. I struggled with not filling that “let me help you” role again. I watched him self-sabotage the relationship but I knew that this wasn’t going to work out for many reasons. He met my children and acted like another child when he was with them. I quickly realized I needed a man who was a man and not still a child.
  • Broken Record- Filling a space too quickly, we envisioned our lives intertwining very quickly. The breaks were put on just as fast. This was the first time I was introduced to a child of a man and she quickly wanted me to fill that mother role she was missing in her life. He was very active in his church but did not know how to live out his faith in his own home. This became concerning to me and I think he felt it when I called him out to pray on a date one night. Also, financially it was difficult for him to take me on dates and afford the gas to my house. Having a good financial situation helps a relationship move in a more positive direction quickly. It isn’t a deal breaker but something that can have a negative or positive affect on the relationship. Before too long, the space between texts became longer and longer and it ended with… this isn’t what I thought it would be.
  • Will You Please Stop Coming Back!- Fresh on to the dating scene, he was very excited for our date! So much so, when we said our goodbyes at the car, he turned me around and pressed me up against the car to make out with me. So not appropriate for the first date! Give…me…a…break! I contemplated all that had transpired on the date and before I could talk about it he was accusing me of being mad at him because instead of answering his phone call when I was at the dog park, I sent him a text saying I was busy at the dog park and I’d call him later. That apparently meant I was mad at him which he conveyed to me over the phone in an angry tone. I ended that relationship very quickly. Apparently he forgot that I blocked him on all social media accounts because he recently liked me on my Eharmony account (which I am not paying for anymore) and could tell it was his picture because it was the same one I saw when we first connected on another account. Controlling is not an appealing or desired attribute!
  • Jumping Too Soon- This man was a beautiful Christian who I witnessed worshiping in his car before our first date. I could tell I was falling fast. But when boundaries were set and he kept pushing them, I saw another side to him that was not desired or wanted. Even the Tesla car was not enough to sway me to stay. I said goodbye and knew it was time to begin to wait upon my Jesus to find me that perfect man.
  • Mr. Right Pilot- Just when I thought I was done dating, I met Mike and our stories were so beautiful. His honesty what appealing. I began to fall for the I love you’s and the way our lives would blend together so perfectly. It moved so fast. We met and then after we met, it was over. I still to this day do not understand how you can go from I love you and you are perfect for me to I am done with you. Lesson learned though to not wear my heart on my sleeve and to guard it and protect it for that future man.
  • A Strike Out- He was a quick meet and greet and it was pretty apparent we weren’t meant to be. Nice guy and a great smile but not for me. I was learning to say goodbye when the signs were there instead of giving the relationship time to blossom.
  • Granting Wishes- I obviously don’t learn lessons because I actually changed my FB status for this guy to say I was in a relationship with him! Man was I not ready for that! I tried to slow down the relationship and take a step back but he stated he needed a relationship status or nothing at all. Well, goodbye it is.

I learned a lot of lessons but the one I learned a lot of was how to say goodbye when I needed to. This has probably been the most consistent lesson I have learned over my lifetime. The main reason I needed to learn this lesson is that because when God calls us to something he desires for our life, most of the time, it is because of this calling that we have to say goodbye to something or someone in our current situation to follow Him.

It seems like I dated a lot from this list and believe me it feels like a lot by the emotional and time commitment I made to each one. Some of these were just one date and some lasted a couple of months. I think by dating, I have seen how it enabled me to not just fall for the first guy who said I was beautiful or that he loved me. It helped me realize that I can trust and wait on God! I also realized that online dating is most likely not the avenue that I will find a husband through. I have heard some beautiful stories of people meeting online. It is a great option to help individuals put themselves in social settings where they will get to know more about themselves and others. I, on the other hand, need a more natural environment where I can gradually get to know someone and ultimately fall in love with their character. In some ways, God has begun to reveal that to me and it is so exciting to see God move.

As I’ve dated, I’ve seen how broken we all are. The pieces of our lives are hanging by a thread. The soul is somewhat tinged or stained. The beauty we once possessed carries a story of pain and has been used and abused in many cases. Nobody is perfect. We all come to each other with our best self trying to impress the other, but when we try to force something that is not in God’s design or in His plan for our lives, then we won’t get to live our best life. Giving my frustrations and my dreams of finding a husband one day to God and letting Him bring that man to me, has enabled me to let go of worrying when I will find him. I finally feel at peace about dating. If it happens, it will happen. I can see, as I wait upon God to show me the hidden gem hiding at the bottom of the rack, I will see the beauty in the man that He has waiting for me. And that dress will be made perfect by the one and only Creator. He will be made new for me, brokenness and all.

Chapter 6- Divorce Entered My Vocabulary

The weeks dragged me into what felt like a whole new foreign world for me. I was trying to hold on to the life I had once known, while trying to keep my future together. My internship and final semester of my Masters program was almost to an end. This was the door I had worked hard for and I needed it to remain open. But as I began to see this opportunity begin, I saw another dream come to an end.

I had moved out of my house and into my parents house for support and space to really grasp what was happening. I felt like a stranger in my own home, especially after seeing that girl sit on my bed like she was a welcomed guest in my house. Violated is an understatement. My privacy, my refuge, my peaceful home was now gone. Comfort was found in my God and in my parent’s home. My parents began to show me love and help in ways I never imagined. I have always been that independent child and adult finding ways to do it all on my own because I didn’t need anyone’s help. Now help was a welcomed gift.

I fought to find a way to make the marriage work. But no matter what I tried, nothing seemed to sway him my way and the more I realized I couldn’t change someone. I had lost all respect from this man. He had chosen his path. He had no respect for me. I began to see how he was still manipulating me through it all. See, people who have no issue with wronging others, also have no issue with taking full advantage of a situation until the end. Valentine’s Day week I saw this in full affect. I was hoping to see something change in him on that day and have my husband choose me. To my surprise, he said goodbye to me and the children, and we drove off in the rain to spend the evening at church and at my parents house without him. At my parents house, in one room and on two air mattresses, my 3 children and I slept together and I mourned the loss of the marriage. I knew he was with her and he didn’t care what he was doing to his family. She was now the priority and me and the kids and become nothing to him. We were just a town that he passed through and decided not to stay. I was done. I was not going to stay with a man who continued to disrespect me and the children and with a women in our home.

The next day, I called him. I told him I was filing for divorce. His response was….what changed your mind? I believe in that moment it clicked for me. A month ago he said he didn’t know who he wanted to be with, me or her. But I now knew he was just dragging it out for as long as possible. Once I graduated, I would be making just as much money as he was. This would enable him to get out of paying child support. Manipulation and getting out of the marriage ahead financially to start his new life was his mission. I contacted a lawyer and said I was ready to file. The papers were served by the end of the month.

In March, we sold our house. We used the money we made to pay off our debt. Over Spring break, I packed up all my belongings and said goodbye to my forever home. With a small paycheck and graduation ahead, I focused on what God desired of me. I failed at times especially when alcohol was involved. This was fuel to my anger. I tried so hard to find the peace. I spent many nights reading about Joseph (and the coat of many colors) and what God took him through for years. Joseph continued to give God the glory and He eventually takes him on a journey where he becomes a trusted leader to Pharaoh. I found God in my darkest of times and trusted that He had something good to come out of all my trials. I do not live for this world but for one that has yet to come.

Divorce causes stress that is hard to relinquish. Parenting plans were established. Debt decided on. Financial responsibilities were understood. The hardest thing about a divorce is seeing children try to wade through it all in their limited understanding. The children cried, were angry, and were shells of themselves at times. They sought comfort in such different ways. One child reverted to being a toddler and needed to sleep with me and had a hard time leaving me at all. Another child shut down and when you thought he was fine, he would then cry and to me it appeared to be for no reason. But he was hurting. Through all of this I had to keep it all together for everyone. Those were some of the longest and hardest days I’ve ever had to go through. I cried more in the year of divorce than I had cried my whole life.

Then, before the divorce was even final, my husband moved his girlfriend into his apartment. I watched one week as my kids thought she was so nice and cool. Then the next week they all started crying uncontrollably in Target where I found out they were not happy she was going to stay at the apartment with them all the time. My kids lives went from having a great life with both their parents happy to six months later having to learn how to live apart from them and with a new person in their home. Needless to say, they were just as confused as I was.

The finalization of the divorce in 3 months and the ability to stay out of court helped me move forward with my life more quickly. The stress of the divorce, decisions, and paperwork was too much for me and I was glad it was over. The reality of my situation began to sink in and I finally understood what so many people in this world go through with a divorce. My heart is saddened by the choices of people to seek other people outside their marriage for whatever need they are trying to fill. No person or thing will fill those needs, only God can do that. Once you realize that, then you are able to love your spouse the way God loves you. Marriage does take two people and I pray you do not find yourself in my shoes but if you are there, then there is hope.

This concludes my story and how I became single but this also was the beginning to a whole new life for me. My hope is that I am able to share with you things I learned to make things go more smooth as I transitioned to being a single mom. Please feel free to reach out to me if you need anything. My desire is that nobody goes through this alone. I also do not wish divorce on anyone but I know that sometimes it is the option you must take. I wholeheartedly desire marriage between one man and one woman for life. I believe this is how God designed marriage and it is within this relationship that we learn how to be more and more like Christ. Whatever your situation, I pray God is always leading you closer and closer to Him.  ~Carrie~

Chapter 5- The Fallout

Christmas Eve morning I showed up to church early to speak with my Pastor alone. I hoped to find a sanctuary where peace could be found. My world and life was completely turned upside down by others selfish desires. I wanted so desperately for my Pastor to fix this. In my eyes there were people in his congregation who needed a lot of help and needed to be removed from positions of leadership. I walked into the office and took a seat. Trying not to cry and keep it together so I could sing that morning was so difficult. I began to tell the Pastor my side of the story and emptied my secrets and what I knew into the air of that room.

I left that office being able to sing on stage that morning and was told the BFF would not be able to sing that morning. The morning went on as usual. I sat on the stage and poured over the promises of scripture filling the emptiness and no matter how much I read, it wasn’t enough. As I sat there, the BFF took a seat on the front pew. I watched in silence as her sister-in-law sat down next to her. I wanted so desperately to scream at her to stay away. But it wasn’t the time or place. I sang that morning and after service the BFF’s sister-in-law approached me and asked how I was doing what I was doing. I looked at her very confused…how did she know? She told me that the BFF sat on the front pew confessing her sins to her right in front of me. That realization ripped my insides in half.

That evening I led the Christmas Eve service and sang Mary Did You Know as my daughter held baby Jesus in her arms. I continued to go through the motions. Maybe this is what shock looks like. Maybe this is the strength that comes from something greater. I wasn’t sure but I knew that Christmas would be filled with tears as I finally let the pain out. The week proceeded with me seeking shelter at my parents house. I began to question my ability to serving on the stage. My Pastor called me and asked me to stop by his office to discuss how to move forward.

He began to give me his opinion about the situation. I was informed that because of what had happened five years prior between the four of us friends, that is the reason my ex husband and BFF did what they did. Had we not fallen to sin five years prior, this would have never happened. And because nobody spoke out and got help, we all needed help now. I was asked to take a break from worship until further notice. I left that day shattered to the core. What else could they take away from me? Worship felt like the one piece of my life that made me feel like myself.

As the weeks went on, I realized I needed that healing away from the stage. I did not agree with the accusations my Pastor had made. I felt like I was now on trial for something I shouldn’t even be discussing with anyone. I saw the BFF have complete freedom at church to continue to do whatever she wanted to do except serve in ministry. She walked around laughing with her sister, complaining to the Pastor about me, expressing her hurt to her husband because of my presence or help. I spent all my time avoiding her, uncomfortable in my own church, and crying in the pews. I could never find any peace in that church. It was always discomfort. The BFF and her husband’s marriage became a priority and what was left of my marriage was an afterthought.

The Pastor made it clear to me that he wanted restoration to occur between me and the BFF. He wanted to mediate the conversation between us all excluding my husband since he wasn’t a part of the church at this point. I told him, she has my number. If she wants to apologize she can do it herself, she is a big girl. I was not about to sit in a meeting where who I was and what I stood for was disregarded to make this whole situation go away. They wanted us to be back on stage together in a couple months. Putting a person back in a form of leadership after falling to sin, is not something I stand for. Restoration is a process. You can not put a time frame on it. I knew that it would take years for her to heal from all that she had done. And if she was being led by the Spirit and changed, we would see other emotions like embarrassment, shame, and humility. So far none of these were seen.

As the weeks went on, I slipped away from those pews more and more. I finally decided to write a letter to the Pastor and elders of the church to put everything I believed in and understood to be true in writing. I disagreed with their thought process. I also saw how the church disregarded the one person who was losing everything and on her way to becoming a single mother. I was offered a 25 dollar gift card to McDonald’s to help. There was so much I needed from the church in my time of need and they missed an opportunity to be the hands and feet of Jesus. I believe wholeheartedly that my BFF and my husband needed extensive counseling and help as they went through the healing process but parameters should have been put in place to protect the ones that were hurt by their actions.

Despite the church’s actions, I felt God leading me towards something else He had planned for me. As I entered the doors of my friend’s church and let the music wash over me, I began to find true healing in a place that God could finally heal me. The tears flowed for weeks after. I always carried my tissues with me! Good thing this new church’s music was really loud because nobody could hear me wailing! Church should be a place that you are able to find peace, healing, and comfort in this fallen world. If you are not finding that in your current church, ask God to lead you to a church that can offer you that. Change can be good, you just have to follow God’s lead and trust him.

Chapter 4- Secrets Revealed

Nobody enters a marriage prepared to end everything in a divorce. I vowed to never utter the words divorce in my life. I remember sitting in marriage counseling discussing divorce and specifically stating that divorce was not an option for me. Unfortunately, it takes two people to make a marriage work.

I will always remember that Fall day my husband uttered those words to me. I could tell something was bothering him but he wouldn’t tell me what was wrong. He kept distancing himself from me and leaving the house for hours at a time with no real explanation of where he was. But there we were, sitting on the stairs together when he said it, “I want a divorce.” Angry and defensive, I asked, “Why?” I don’t think anyone can prepare you for your reaction to that statement. He began to try and explain his why but nothing was adding up. Our marriage underwent the normal stresses but overall was a pretty good relationship, one I felt proud of. The pit in my stomach told me that I was no longer proud of where we fond ourselves. For the next few weeks, I would sit in an unknown and very confused state. I felt blindsided. I did whatever I could think of to make him want to stay.

I watched my husband slip into a depression like I had not seen before. He displayed lack of sleep, low appetite, he lost weight, he had developed dark circles under his eyes, and he began to become obsessive compulsive about certain things like washing every single dish in the sink before he went to bed. His avoidance and lack of presence in our family deeply saddened me. My concern grew and I suggested that he go to the doctor. But I knew there had to be another reason, not health related, that caused his current state of being.

Five days before Christmas at a church event, my BFF gave me a letter. As I read the letter it didn’t make much sense. She explained that she had crossed boundaries with my husband and that she was sorry. In my head, I believed they were going on dates again. I expressed to her that we had overcome something similar to this in the past and could overcome this now. This letter, although enlightening and surprising, did not explain my husband’s current demeanor. Later that evening, I handed the letter to my husband asking him to explain what happened between them. I soon realized the gravity of this situation. He confessed to having a 5 year affair with my BFF. In that moment, I realized the relationship that I had been restoring with my BFF and husband for years….meant nothing to them.

The next and last text from my BFF arrived the following morning and it stated, “How are you doing today?” My response was, “We can no longer be friends.” The sting of betrayal bites every nerve in your body. Self-preservation becomes a priority. I was numb. For the next two weeks, I slipped into a depression which I had never experienced before. I spent most of that time in the Word and in my bed. Tears flowed uncontrollably as I allowed myself to enter a state of questioning. How do two people, who I cared so deeply about, disregard the impact this would have on me? And not just me but our children, our families, and our friends would all be affected. And why right before Christmas? I’m still unsure why my BFF chose right before Christmas to share this news with me. According to her, their affair ended months ago. These questions would ultimately go unanswered because the confessions did not end there.

After Christmas, I began to worry again about my husband and his mental state. The decline in his health was very obvious. He stopped attending all social gatherings and was barely making it to work. I decided to spend some time at my parents house with the children to keep everyone’s spirits up during the holiday. I decided it was time to share with my parents my side of the story. As hard as this was, I wanted to be honest and open with them. They lovingly gave me grace and supported me regardless of the consequences moving forward. During this time, I became desperate for answers. I searched the phone bill. I found a reoccurring number that my husband was making. I pressed him for answers. The answer came in the form of a current affair.

Grasping for whatever pieces I could gather, I tried to save my family. I would do just about anything to make that happen. One day I left for my parents house, removed all the guns from our house, and I began to pray. Deep in the Word and listening for God to speak to me, I found myself, face buried into the ground, desperate for my husband to turn away from his sin. That evening, my husband would confess to multiple affairs, thoughts and plans of suicide, and the promises he had made to his girlfriend. His body shook violently as he released the secrets of his past. He promised to make things right with God, me, and his family.

But those promises of making things right were short lived. The weeks would drag out with him pulling me in and pushing me out of a relationship with him. Knowing that he continued to seek out his girlfriend and place her before his wife and his family, devastated me. Restoration began to feel too far out of my reach. One thing would lead to another and I found myself the day after Valentine’s Day calling my husband from my work to tell him, I wanted a divorce. With no affect his response was, “What changed your mind?” Those words, I never vowed to utter, became a very real part of my vocabulary and my life. It also became the peace I had so desperately been fighting for over those last couple of months. Divorce was the option I felt God leading me to and was essential in my healing.

Chapter 3- The Friendship that Changed Me

Despite the challenges we faced as a family, we still focused on the good that God had blessed us with. We had three beautiful children, a home, jobs, cars, supportive family, church family, and friends. Friends began to be a central part of our lives during this time. I had struggled for years feeling as if I needed that best friend in my life. Desperate to fill that void, I sought out a friend against my better judgment.

I was part of a worship team at our church and had been singing for about 10 years at this point. I just turned 30 years old and had enjoyed a great camping birthday celebration with family and friends. We all still remember this trip to this day, as it was filled with so many good memories. Coming back from this trip, I began to view a girl at our church (who I never really cared for) in a different light. I began to see, how despite our differences, we were a lot alike; driven, stubborn, independent, goal oriented, similar upbringings and current talents. She was in the worship team which I wasn’t keen on. Trying to make the best of this situation, I sought out a friendship hoping to find something more in her than I had seen in previous years. I wanted to be wrong in my assumption about her.

Running became the center of our friendship. She wanted to begin to run and train for different races. I am not fond of long distant running but knew I needed a physical outlet to become more active. I was done having babies and ready to get my pre-baby body back. Over the summer we spent evenings running and talking. We began to find things that we enjoyed about each other and soon the friendship began to fill that void I had had…needing a best friend. Her (BFF) and I became inseparable. I felt like I was having fun for the first time in my life. This spilled over into church and outside of church. Soon our husbands were hanging out with us and we began to do life together.

I had known BFF and her husband (BBF-H) pretty much my whole life. Both of these people and their families had been part of our church since I could remember. They were good friends and they began to become family to us. Dinner, family outings, vacations, and working out together became the norm for the 4 of us. Our lives began to become intertwined so much so that boundaries began to become skewed between the spouses. BFF’s grandfather died suddenly during this time and she sought out my husband for support. I also believe that their friendship began to become more than a friendship. I had begun spending more and more time texting BBF-H than I had in the past due to my friendship with BFF. He and I were very similar and got along so easily. One day my husband came to me and asked me if he could go out to dinner with BFF just as friends. Before this BFF and my husband had randomly met up at the coffee shop to work on church/work/school stuff together. I was not in agreement to these meetings and they knew this. After my husband asked me about dinner with BFF, I knew in that moment with the look on his face, that I was being replaced by another woman. It was in those eyes that I was deeply hurt by his words. In frustration, I called BBF-H, and his response to my frustration was, if we let them go, then we can go. Feeling defeated and lost, I stopped fighting for what was right and began to allow my character and values be pushed aside to make everyone happy, including myself.

The 2 month emotional affair began and what would be the time in my life that changed me forever. I spent 3 different times hanging out with BFF-H without anyone else present. The attention I received from him was exhilarating and sickening at the same time. Did I like him? Yes, I did. I liked how I felt when I was with him. He made me feel special. I had not felt like that in a long time. He was giving me the time and attention I should have been receiving from my husband. My husband was giving my BBF the attention I should have been receiving. I did not know the extent of their relationship because I turned a blind eye. It was when we kissed, filled with emptiness, that I knew I could no longer do this. This was not me. This was not what I desired to be as a wife, as a mother, as a Christian. The guilt was weighing so heavily on me. I began to pray for a way out.

The night my husband saw how much I liked BFF-H, was when his jealousy began. He confronted me about what I had done with BFF-H. I told him. He had confessed to doing the same thing with my BFF. He was angry. I was angry. Driven by our sinful desires, I was saddened by who we had become. My husband suggested that this all come to an end. I was relieved. I was also glad that I had never taken the relationship to the level of a full-blown affair physically and had never had sex with BFF-H. I felt in my heart that the relationships between the couples could be restored. We invited our friends over one night to discuss what we were all doing, how it was wrong and hurting our marriages, and how to move forward. In our living room we all agreed to stop the relationships with the BFF spouses, to work on restoring our friendship with the BFFs, and to put into place healthy boundaries. It would also remaining a secret between the four of us. I stepped aside with the BFF-H for a private conversation with him to apologize and explained to him that nothing could ever happen between us again. Outside of marriage, anything between us was empty and not God honoring. He respectfully agreed and distanced himself from me from that moment forward.

The days and months dragged on as I began to restore my friendship with my BFF. I apologized over and over about how wrong I was. She poured her heart out to me and described the hurt she had felt and had apologized to me as well. With time, our friendship began to grow. Trust was always difficult and sometimes we had to have those difficult conversations about how behaviors or actions were hurting us and bringing up the past. We did our best to honor those requests. I struggled with the feelings I had once felt for BFF-H. They had felt real to me despite what I knew…it was all infatuation. I prayed constantly trying to ask God to help me better myself and become who He needed me to become. It would take three years for me to eventually place BFF-H back into the role of just my childhood friend but it wasn’t until I cried out to God asking Him to remove all thoughts and desires from my head about BFF-H that I was truly able to move forward. I worked on my marriage and I focused on my personal goals to better myself and my family.

Five years later, a confession would change my life and everything as I had know it.

Chapter 2- The Good Days

Both in college, the Husband (H) and I enjoyed the days doing homework and working. We both didn’t see each other much as we finished our goals. I was able to graduate with my Associates degree and work at a preschool as a Preschool Teacher. H was working early morning hours at Costco, doing homework during the day, and night classes to finish his Bachelors degree in Youth Ministry. Like most young marrieds, life with each other couldn’t be better despite the craziness of our schedules.

The year prior to H graduating with his Bachelors degree we got pregnant! We had just moved in with a friend of ours because finances were tight but with the roommate’s blessing, he let us stay with him even with a baby on the way. Life continued on, finances were tight, but we enjoyed life as we knew it. We became very active in our church during this time. We helped with the youth group, were part of the worship team, and helping out as we saw the need to be filled. Friendships began to develop and our family surrounded us at church as we began to welcome a baby into this world.

I desired to stay home and raise our baby girl. It was not going to be easy financially but somehow I knew this was what God wanted for our lives. I did not want the responsibility of raising our children left to someone else. H was not pleased to know that he would have to carry the family financially. But by the time my maternity leave was up, H graduated with his Bachelors degree, and we both agreed that I needed to stay home and raise baby.

The next 6 months were difficult but not impossible. We dealt with the stress of having a newborn, student loan debt, no ministry positions open, still living with a roommate, and the added stress of making ends meet financially. H had also confessed to struggling with using Porn on the internet. This was not something I was even aware of until he confessed to it. He sought the help of a friend to keep him accountable, put parameters on the computer, and asked me to help him. I was completely naive about the effects of porn use in men and woman at this time. I had never had used porn or seen anything close to it up to this point. This naive state of mind would eventually come back to haunt me later on in life. Hopeful that H would stop doing this and me never asking him the tough questions, I never knew if he was doing it or not. Turning a blind eye does not mean the problem goes away, it just means you internally choose not to question it anymore. By December of that year, H had received a promotion to Supervisor at Costco and this helped us solve a lot of the current challenges.

After a move in January to a tiny apartment and getting pregnant for the second time when Baby A was 9 moths old, new stresses began to appear. A new goal was set to get into a house by the summer and to finally call a house our own! In July of 2008, we bought our first house. We would spend the next 7 years in this home. This home was where everything changed for us in so many ways. Life was good between H and I. We were madly in love by my definition and we communicated well. There was not much fighting and we were agreeable in most areas. Raising kids and having some extra kids in the house to help supplement income, did not stress me out but gave me purpose. I enjoyed putting my energy into helping the family move forward and achieve goals. Baby C was born in 2010 and he would complete our family of 5. Before this, tragedy did strike our family.

H’s father committed suicide in May 2009. A little background on his father before I move forward. H’s parents were divorced when he was 5 years old. H’s father cheated on his mother 3 separate times with the confession happening after each affair. A move to another state would help the family reset but never changed his behavior. Eventually, H’s father left his mother and moved to another state leaving him and his brothers with their mother at home. The divorce happens and he quickly marries a woman that was his final affair. Twenty years go by and H’s father struggles in his marriage to this woman. Things are great at first but then they aren’t able to have children which pushes the new wife to try to adopt over the years. When visiting them shortly after being married, I saw first hand the destructive relationship they had had. They argued constantly, emphasis was placed on stuff, and emotional eating was evident for both of them. Shortly before the suicide, we were informed that H’s father and step-mother were getting a divorce. She was leaving him for another man. Within a couple weeks, H’s father moved into an apartment and was hospitalized twice for overdosing on medication. After those failed attempts and deep depression setting in, H’s father took his life with a gun in his apartment room alone. This changed H in ways I never was prepared to handle.

As life moved forward after H’s father’s death, I saw grief set in. I knew the grief cycle would happen and it would take years for him to heal. What I didn’t know was that emotionally he shut down and stopped feeling those emotions around the time Baby C was born. He became a shell of himself but nobody really saw this. I thought because of his detached relationship with his father that it didn’t affect him as much as I initially thought it would. H was captivating to all. He had the personality that everyone wanted to be around. He charmed the masses. Everyone I knew loved him and saw his potential. H never really saw himself like this and after the death of his father, became the reality of the messages that he told himself….I am not good enough for my father to live or to chose me over anyone else. These internal messages would end up pushing him in a direction I never knew was something he was capable of becoming.

The Beginning

My mom told me that when you make a major decision in life, you will feel an overwhelming amount of peace. As I looked at myself in the mirror of the church’s bathroom, my reflection looking back at me with beautiful perfect curls adorned with white mini roses all put in place, makeup perfectly done, and a simple but elegant white wedding dress pressed to perfection, I felt an overwhelming amount of peace come over me. It was time. I was ready to say “I do” for a lifetime with this beautiful man.

This union was desired by all. Both families were very supportive. Friends thought we were perfect for each other. We initially met at church. It appeared to be a great foundation. I first noticed him as a great catch when I thought he would be a good match for my sister (he was slightly younger than me). She wasn’t interested in him at the time, so as he and I became friends, I began to like him more and more. At some point I actually asked him why he was dating someone else. He knew the other girl wasn’t a good fit for him. As soon as he broke up with her, we began “dating”. We called each other boyfriend and girlfriend. I was 15 years old at the time (a sophomore) and he was 14 (8th grade).

Our relationship grew and we began to do a lot of things together; school dances, church events, family get-togethers. Nobody questioned our relationship…except me. Something felt off to me about the relationship. I initially thought it was due to me being older than him and ahead of him in school but as I soon figured out, he struggled with things that he was hiding. Senior year, during finals week after the first quarter, he text me saying he needed to talk to me. He had stayed home from school and I told him I would meet him at his house. Once I arrived, he didn’t look the greatest. He sat with me explaining to me the previous weekend and how he hung out with friends, drinking and smoking pot, which eventually led him to having sex with a friend. Inside, I was reeling!! I couldn’t understand why he would do this when he was not known for being this way. Outside, I was compassionate and understanding. He explained to me that at church he felt like he could be one person but at school he had to be another. I encourage him to make the necessary changes to be who he truly needed to be, what God desired him to be.

Two weeks later, his best friend approached me at church when my boyfriend was not there. He stated he needed to tell me something that would not be easy for me to hear. He informed me that my boyfriend was at a party with his friends and he was smoking pot again. He felt like I needed to know. I called my boyfriend on the way home and asked him if he needed to tell me something. I could tell he knew he had been caught. The lies had begun and he was beginning to become accustomed to lying to me, something that would be hard to change but I didn’t realize this when I was 18. I told him I could not be in a relationship with him and if he wanted a relationship with me, he knew what he needed to do and that I would need evidence of his change.

Desperate to keep what I had worked so hard to establish, I took him back 2 months later. I justified a relationship with him based on what I thought he was, not on who he truly was. He had told his mom about the drug use and asked for help keeping him accountable. He stopped hanging out with his friends at school that were not a good influence to him. He also kept a journal where he writes about his struggles and his desire to do better for himself and for me. It wasn’t easy initially moving forward, there were some trust issues, but as time went on things felt like they began to get back to normal.

Normal never seemed to be enough for him. When he was in his first year of college, he decided to do a summer project with Campus Crusade for Christ. This appeared to be a good time for him to really develop his relationship with God and grow as an individual. I knew it would be hard to be away from each other for a whole summer, but I supported this decision nonetheless. We kept in contact via text message, letters, and email. I heard all about the fun things he did, the connections he made, and the growth he was making in his faith. It all looked so good. When he came home, I felt like I didn’t know him. He showed all these extreme emotions, super high highs, and super low lows. It wasn’t normal as I knew him. After about two months time, he began to show his normal self again. I wondered what really happened in California on his summer project and why did it change him so much.

Marriage became the topic of our discussion. We had dated for 5 years at this point and it felt like the only logical step to me. I don’t know that he was truly ready to make that step but I was his constant in his life up to this point. He thrived on having something constant in his life. Life together seemed to be better than where we were currently at. In March of 2004, he asked me to marry him. I said yes and three months later we were married in June 2004. Starring at my reflection in that mirror and ready to say “I do”, I desired to be married to the man I thought I knew he was. I would soon come to realize that it takes two people for a marriage to work.

About Me

My name is Carrie Strong, I am a Christian, and I live in Phoenix, Arizona with my three children. I work full time as a School Psychologist at a local elementary school. In 2018, I divorced my husband of 14 years after I uncovered his multiple affairs, including his affair with my best friend, and his unwillingness to leave his current partner and remain in his marriage. I have experienced many aspects of betrayal that most people have not. Through these experiences, I have learned many things that may help you get through your current situation. My hope is that as I share my story, you will feel encouraged to share your own. Though you may feel like you are doing this all alone, you really are not. You are surrounded by a heavenly Father who wants you to seek Him through your struggles…marriage difficulties (specifically affairs), separation, divorce, co-parenting, and the many emotions that you may experience, that are similar to grief, as you go through these challenges. God is there for you!!! I always promote restoration in marriage first and foremost. But in certain situations, it is not possible. Please read my story first and see how God got me through life’s difficulties. This may be an encouragement to you and to help you begin to navigate those challenges. Thank you so much for reading and please feel free to reach out to me at carryoncarriestrong@gmail.com.

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